i found unrequited love
On Sunday, I spread a picnic blanket out at the park, took my shoes off and sat down with Adrienne Rich’s The Dream of a Common Language: Poems 1974-1977. On the very first page, I noticed a message written in pencil: “Meg, I hope you enjoy this as much as I have. Love, Katie”. It was dated at the bottom, 9/16/15, with another message, “Happy Birthday! You’re 29 again!”. I thought this is such a treat, I get to read a marked up used book of poems. Katie* had lightly underlined her favorite lines, had put little stars next to some poems, and a few pages were even dog-eared.
Eventually, I got to the last page of the short anthology of poems and read more writing from Katie:
“Dear Meg,
Letting go seems impossible. But I’m learning. Thank you for your friendship. I’ve accepted that that’s all it’ll ever be. I’m sorry to burden you with this. I just needed to say something to gain some sort of closure.
Love, Katie”
Oh. My heart immediately went out to Katie. Ouch. Unrequited, rejected love. It is so painful. Of course, I am reminded of the famous scene in Fleabag (spoilers ahead!) where Fleabag tells The Priest she loves him and he replies “it’ll pass”. IT’LL PASS?!?! What an iconic and heartbreaking scene.
I’ve definitely felt a good amount of unrequited partner love during my life. But thankfully, I was barely reminded of it when I read Katie’s message. Maybe this is because it really does pass. I know I could crack open an old journal and find evidence of heartbreak, including some truly awful poems about it. I’ve also done many grand gestures to try to win someone. But I’ve learned, and constantly continue to. I try to live by the mantra that I only have time and energy for reciprocal, life-giving relationships. I want what wants me.
Relationships, humans, life is messy. But maybe it is that unrequited love comes back to us eventually. That we learn to find love with ourselves, with others, all kinds of love in abundance. That we “learn to learn from pain”. I have to believe that Katie today is nestled in a community of love, including partner love. I hope she can freely share her favorite Adrienne Rich poems and her passion for them is met with equal excitement and curiosity instead of a donated book sent off to me, a stranger. And let us not forget, for what it’s worth, The Priest’s last words to Fleabag as they say goodbye forever are in fact, “I love you too”. That is a love story.
What have you learned from unrequited love? Do we ever really need closure?
A few links:
Fleabag is One of the Greatest TV Shows of All Time, and Here's Why
Adrienne Rich’s poem about a lover’s hands: Twenty One Love Poems: VI
Ellen Bass on how we never really get over old loves: “Can’t Get Over Her”
*For the purposes of my essay, I am assuming she/her pronouns for Katie