Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy
I have followed Dr. Becky Kennedy on Instagram for years now. I love how she treats kids as full humans, I love how she speaks about repair. I have used her ideas with my siblings and friends, and am continually trying to incorporate her brilliant ideas into all of my relationships. A good introduction to her is her TED talk.
I finally got off the wait list for her fairly new parenting book. I really enjoyed it and highly recommend everyone reading it. I will likely purchase this for all my friends who are beginning to have kids! As you read, I would encourage you to think of how these principles apply to literally every relationship you have. Here are my notes, and I apologize for not having page numbers:
We are all good inside. When a child is having a meltdown, remember that they are a good person, having a hard time.
View every situation with the most generous interpretation possible. Big feelings illicit big reactions or words, but something is definitely hurting inside.
If we look for perfect, we miss the growth.
Accept multiple realities at once. You can be silly and also enforce boundaries.
Humans are less interested in any specific decision than we are in feeling seen. When you need to say no to a child, acknowledge how you know it makes them feel. They will feel seen and while they still are disappointed or upset, this was a moment of connection with you rather than disconnection.
When children can sense their parent is a teammate and the child is asked to collaborate in problem solving...good things happen. Ask your child to work with you to solve problems.
“Parents have the job of establishing safety through boundaries, validation, and empathy. Children have the job of exploring and learning through experiencing and expressing their emotions. And when it comes to jobs, we all have to stay in our lanes. Our kids should not dictate our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings.”
Teach kids how to manage feelings and thoughts through the experiences they have with us. Name the feelings and sit with them on their “feeling bench”.
People remember things in their bodies. Before they can talk, children learn, based on interactions with heir parents, what feels acceptable or shameful, manageable or overwhelming. Remember this especially in acknowledging difficult feelings without shame.
“The more we can rely on a parent, the more curious and explorative we can be. The more we trust in our secure relationship with our parents, the more secure we are with ourselves.”
“Never ever doubt the power of repair - every time you go back to your child, you allow him to rewire, to rewrite the ending of the story so it concludes in connection and understanding, rather than aloneness and fear.”
“Qualities kids need most from their parents to cultivate resilience: empathy, listening, accepting them for who they are, providing a safe and consistent presence, identifying their strengths, allowing for mistakes, helping them develop responsibility, and building problem solving skills.”
Being present in your child’s experience is more important than leading them out of the experience.
Behavior is a window into a main event. Behavior is a clue to the bigger story that is begging to be addressed. This main event is what is hurting inside your child.
“Our kids absorb the versions of themselves we reflect back to them.”
“Prioritizing control over relationship building is a dangerous trade-off.”
“If we don't explicitly recognize the feelings underneath our kids' behaviors and show them that we love them even when they're acting out, they will collapse behavior and feelings into one. They will learn that attachment security depends on disavowing the feelings under the behaviors, leading to longer-term problematic relationship patterns.”
“When parents are willing to change, when they are willing to repair and reflect together, nondefensively, about moments in the past that feel bad to kids...the child's brain can rewire.”
“Research has established that, oftentimes, when kids are struggling, it is not therapy for the child himself but coaching or therapy for the parent that leads to the most significant changes in the child. This is powerful research, because it suggests that a child's behavior - which is an expression of a child's emotion regulation patterns - develops in relation to a parent's emotional maturity.”
AVP: acknowledge, validate, permit. This is a great acronym to remember when dealing with conflict and emotional regulation. Acknowledge what happened, validate how it might have felt, and permit them (or yourself) to feel those big feelings.
“In order to create positive change, we have to first build connection, which will lead kids to feel better, which will lead them to behave better.”
PNP: play no phone time. 10-15 minutes of direct play with your phone far away. Describe, mimic, reflective listening with your child during this time.
Emotional vaccination = connection + validation + a story to understand before the main event. Prime children for events that might feel scary to them by telling a story about it days before.
“Changing the ending 1) share you've been reflecting 2) acknowledge the other person's experience 3) state what you'd do differently next time 4) connect through curiosity now that things feel safer.”
Take ownership over your feelings. Tell your kids they aren't responsible for causing your feelings or fixing your reactions.
“When we approach our kids with charts and reinforcement and stickers and time-outs, we essentially tell them that their behavioral compliance is what matters most.”
“Kids can feel when you're uninterested in their distress and their personhood.”
“When we sacrifice relationship building in favor of control tactics, our children may age, but in many ways, they developmentally remain toddlers, because they miss out on years of building the emotion regulation, coping skills, intrinsic motivation, and inhibition of desires that are necessary for life success. When we are busy exerting extrinsic control over our children's external behavior, we sacrifice teaching these critical internal skills.” I can also see this in high control religions, where you feel you are developmentally younger because of the high control you were in.
“If we don't build a sturdy foundation with our kids - one based in trust, understanding, and curiosity, - then we have nothing keeping them attached to us. We need to build "connection capital".”
“When a child is overwhelmed and frozen with shame, we must be willing to put our original "goal" - to elicit an apology, to inspire gratitude, to prompt an honest answer - to the side and focus solely on reducing shame.”
“The more we feel connected with someone, the more we want to comply with their requests. Listening is essentially a barometer for the strength of a relationship in any given moment. Connection always increases cooperation, because we all like to help the people we feel close to.”
“When we yell, our kids' bodies enter into threat mode, they perceive danger from a parents' aggressive tone, volume, and body language, and they cannot even process what a parent is saying because their energy is focused only on surviving the moment.”
“Connect with child before you ask them to do something. Show them they're seen.” Use that connection capital!
“Give child a choice but only offer options you're okay with. Trust them to follow through on that choice.”
Tantrums a healthy part of child development.
“We cannot encourage subservience and compliance in our kids when they're young and expect confidence and assertiveness when they're older.”
“My job is to keep my body calm and my child safe. Not to end the tantrum.”
The phrase "I won't let you" is critical in every parents toolbox. I use this the most with my younger siblings. “I can’t let you hit, so I am going to move you over here”.
“When children are rude, we can view the behavior through the lens of disrespect for us or through the lens of emotion dysregulation for them.”
“Children whine when they feel helpless. Whining = strong desire + powerlessness. The best match for child's whining is adult playfulness.”
“When kids are whining, they are asking for some combo of more attention, more connection, more warmth, more empathy, and more validation.”
“The goal is to change your home environment so your kids see you as a safe adult who can tolerate a wider range of their experiences.”
Kennedy’s book begins general with main principles, and then goes into specific behaviors children often have, like fear, jealousy, “shyness”. It would be a perfect book to have on hand and refer to as needed.
What are your favorite tidbits from this book? Have you read it? Let me know!
xoxoxo